“... so close and yet so so far away”
39+2... That means my due-date is just around the corner. It’s so close and yet so so far away – especially knowing that our little baby girl might not join us before up to 10 days after the due-date. To me, the wait seems completely and utterly impossible right now! I’ve been waiting for so long and it has actually been kind of easy because I’ve been working, but what now?! On maternity leave, there’s nothing left but the wait. As my maternity leave is during the summer holiday, most of my friends are gone to all kinds of excotic places.
Everyone is telling me “enjoy a good night’s sleep while you can” Excuse me! What good night’s sleep?! I simply cannot remember when I slept through the whole night without going to pee 10 times (every time I succed in actually lifting my heavy body out of the bed like a – not so- elegant whale is an acheivement) and without it hurting every time I turn around in bed (due to pelvis bone pains). “Enjoy the quietness” they say... Well, she might not be crying now but she’s as present as can be (almost). She is super active (the doctor called her hyper active – yes, good luck with that!) and I’m feeling her ALL THE TIME kicking me in the guts. My tummy looks rediculous because it’s moving in insane angles all the time. The doctor can hardly check her because she’ll kick the monitor away. I think I’ll have to work on my patience...
“it quite often feels like she’s on her way out – literally!”
I am soooo ready for her to come now, to meet her and to see how she looks like. Also, it quite often feels like she’s on her way out – literally! Like as if there could suddenly be an arm sticking out at any time. However, the doctor assures me that this scenario cannot happen – but it sure feels that way. So, my little darling baby, why not just come all the way out to mommy now?
“... of course, I’ve been doing nothing but googling every little new sensation.”
Now that I’ve got nothing to do all day but to overanalyze every single thing that I’m feeling, looking for beginning labour signs, I’ve been trying my very best not to google every little symphtom that I’m feeling every second…
So of course, I’ve been doing nothing but googling every little new sensation. Guess my very best is not always that good. At least I’ve gotten pretty good at sorting out the good reliable pages from the bad ones that predicts me and my babys soon to come violent deaths.
“In the beginning, I was mostly afraid of pooping on the doctor”
At the moment, a few questions are constantly on my mind. Odly enough, these questions mostly (and by mostly, I mean only) concern the birth. I can’t seem to think past the birth and honestly, I also don’t worry too much about whether or not we’ll become good parents. I know it will be hard as hell, but so many others I know have done such a great job so why shouldn’t we also be able to do it and do it well? No, my questions only concern the very near future. How and when will the birth start?! And will my water break in the middle of a public space like in the movies? There are as many experiences as there are woman, I feel, and I find it almost impossible to just let go and see what happens – which is what everyone is telling me to do! I’m not so afraid of the pain involved with labouring though. What I’m having a hard time accepting is the not knowing. And I know it’ll hurt like hell - that’s not an unknown factor so it doesn’t really stress me. I’m afraid something will happen to my little girl or to me during birth – such as her heart suddenly stopping, me loosing too much blood or the placenta not coming out intact, which in turn will lead to surgery after the birth and can be dangorous. In the beginning, I was mostly afraid of pooping on the doctor or tearing all the way down to the anus (okay, I would still really like for that not to happen!!). But I’m not so afraid of it anymore. It just doesn’t seem so important. Those things I’ll survive. It sounds cheasy but at this point, I just want my baby girl out healthy and if I could stay healthy and intact at the same time, that would also just be great!
I’ve loved being pregnant and have been blessed with a pretty good pregnancy (except from the throwing up almost every day for 9 months), but I’m really excited to meet my little girl soon and I’m can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life.
Rebecca (mom to be from Denmark living in Switzerland)